


I'm your closet monster, I live inside your head

by Threeley



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Drabble Collection, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-01-01
Updated: 2013-03-15
Packaged: 2017-11-25 14:21:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 19
Words: 5,617
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/639762
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Threeley/pseuds/Threeley
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tumblr drabbles, ranging in degrees of seriousness.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Cakes to bake, Fathers to remember

John Egbert doesn’t actually like baking that much, but that’s what he needs to do today because it’s his nineteenth birthday (and he’s so nineteen that it’s almost painful), and it’s what his father would have done. It’s also what John Crocker’s son would have done, but that man does not know John Egbert.

Not that it matters. (It doesn’t.)

Rose Lalonde hasn’t moved from her spot on the sofa for an hour. She wasn’t even supposed to be here for another four hours, but she was “in the area with nothing else to do,” she said. So she settled down with one of John’s books since he had things to do. Cakes to bake. Fathers to remember.

He asks her if she wants anything. She says thank you, but no. She’s fine with his reading materials. She asks him if he needs anything. All he needs is the cake to finish baking so he can ice it.

He wonders (out loud, by mistake) why Rose even came here if all she was going to do was read. She sighs and turns the page, but otherwise doesn’t say anything.

The oven timer goes off and John pushes through the country saloon doors. They smack against the walls (his father always cringed when John did that, just like John is cringing now) and swing back and forth. John grabs a pot holder because he can’t find his dad’s oven mitt. He pulls the cake from the oven with a tight grip and maybe it’s too tight because it starts to slip -

Rose runs into the kitchen when she hears John shout. She raises an eyebrow when she sees that he’s shifted his entire right arm into spirals of wind.

He burned his arm on the pan, he grumbles. He thought this would help.

She hmms at that. He knows he can’t do that forever, right? He knows that. But he can delay the pain as much as possible. She runs a dishcloth under some cold water, and recommends that he return to his usual form.

He takes a breath and his arm becomes solid again. He grits his teeth and huh isn’t that an impressive red scar? Rose presses the dishcloth to the reddened area. She can feel it absorbing the heat, and flips it over.

She says she’s sorry this happened. (On his birthday, no less.)

He says yeah.


	2. Worst New Year's Kiss Ever

It would be fun, he said. We’ll make an invasion of snowmonsters, he said. Pfft, sure it will take forever, but we’ll be fine if we bundle up, he said.

“Pass the tissues,” he said.

Rose sniffed and looked over to the coffee table, where they’d all but constructed a fort of empty tissue boxes. “Sorry to disappoint, but there aren’t any left.”

“Oh of fucking course.”

“Do you want to still want to kiss at midnight, even in our conditions?” Rose shifted to face the television. “Only thirty seconds to decide.”

John scowled. “Yeah, of course. We’re dating and I love you and we’re here so. We should.”

“We should.”

“Yeah. Do you still want to?”

“If you have no qualms with swapping bacteria, then neither do I.”

“Cool. I don’t.”

“Cool.”

Five seconds. Four and they started to lean in. Rose felt something scratch at her nose. Three. Two and now they could feel each other’s breath. One.

“HAAACHHOOOO~” Everything lodged in Rose’s nostrils flew out and clung to their faces. John pulled away and even now, she could see the snot shine against the glow of the television screen.

John wiped at his face with his sleeve. “…Gasundheit.”

“Thank you.”


	3. John Wears a Pretty Dress That's It That's All

It was no secret that John Egbert had an eye for fine evening wear. The fact that he owned more than one suit by age thirteen was proof of that. Perhaps it was learned from his father, who had similar, if more refined tastes.

It was this alone that gave Rose Lalonde hope that she could talk him into wearing an elegant dress (if she did say so herself).

“Oh man, Rose, I love you, but nothin’ doin’.”

“And why not?”

“Come on, look at that! I don’t even know how to get it on, let alone if I can!” John crossed his arms and shook his head. “I’m sorry, but I must decline.”

She came prepared for this. “Oh but John, if it’s a simple matter of whether or not you can get it on, then perhaps I should help you? I’m the one who crafted it, after all.”

John looked at the dress.

He looked at Rose.

He looked at the dress.

He looked at Rose.

Rose smiled. “Well…?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AO3 I am so done trying to understand you


	4. We always knew we'd make it this far

—ectoBiologist [EB] started pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 13:43—

EB: hey rose.

TT: You are sitting right next to me. Why are we doing this?

EB: because otherwise you will ruin my elaborate scheme.

EB: do you want to ruin my elaborate scheme, rose? do you?

TT: Perish the thought! I will happily comply with your mysterious shenanigans.

TT: Speaking of, would it be too outlandish to expect any clarification on that?

EB: :P because we met on pesterchum.

EB: and it is important to say this on pesterchum.

TT: Okay?

EB: i’ve been doing some thinking.

EB: and we make a really good team! i mean, we’re already good together on pretty much every other level, but we are like…

TT: Very much in sync with each other.

EB: yes. exactly.

EB: and sometimes you kinda bowl me over? like you’re so fun and smart and creative and really silly even if you don’t want to admit it!

EB: and i’m just really lucky i know you.

TT: I consider myself just as fortunate to know someone as unwittingly charming and goodhearted as you.

EB: …rose, see this is reason #463729423 why i love you.

TT: That is a lot of reasons to love someone.

EB: i know.

EB: and all those reasons make me think…

EB: that maybe

EB: you should click this link. http://bit.ly/4CATMX

TT: …

EB: click the link, rose. it will show you the way.

TT: John, do I have your word that nothing contained in this link will scream at me?

EB: i swear on the frogiverse that this is not a prank.

TT: All right, then. I’m going to click it.

EB: :)

TT: …John.

TT: John.

EB: rose.

TT: John, are you…

EB: i might bsfdsdhg

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] is an idle chum! --

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] is an idle chum! --

TT: So.

TT: How might I go about convincing you to wear a dress at the wedding?


	5. I'm so glad this isn't a pesterlog

Rose Lalonde woke up with a significant lack of a significant other, but considerably more chill in the bed sheets and a cool breeze circulating around John’s room. She could only imagine the source (the window had not been opened, and the air conditioning had not been running. A mystery for the ages).

“John?” She raised an eyebrow at the breeze’s hums (translated: _heheheheh_ ). “John, what are you doing?”

The door cracked open. Hmm. She had a feeling if she stepped through, some form of liquid would topple over on her. “Nice try, but after you, love.” John replied by opening the door the rest of the way. Remarkably, no buckets of anything fell to the floor. This did nothing to alleviate her suspicions - he definitely had some kind of scheme.

Rose crossed her arms and tried to see where exactly this was leading, but came up with nothing specific. “You are being quite ridiculous, you know.” She kicked on her slippers. “But fine, if you wish to be mysterious about your intentions, then be that way.”

John nudged her towards the doorway. Rose followed him down the hallway and… wait. She spied something thin and wiry glint at the bottom of the staircase. She bet he thought he was really being clever this time. Rose smiled.

She stopped on the step right above the trap. “John, I know you’re trying to cultivate some veneer of an enigmatic persona, but if you could look like a person again, I would greatly appreciate it.”

John wavered. Rose tried to look at him straight on with wide eyes and a wide smile (and really he should have known she had figured him out right then), and ultimately won out. In the blink of an eye, Rose was looking at John in the flesh, large marshmallow-y figure and all.

John opened his mouth, probably to ask why Rose asked him to do that, but she didn’t give him much of an opportunity. She pulled him down to her level by his collar and planted a kiss on him. John responded enthusiastically. Rose smiled into his lips as she turned them around. John stepped down and -

“WHOA!”

Rose caught him by the hand and pulled him back up with a wink. “Gotcha.”


	6. He's in love with a cephalopod

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wrote this for Latia's [Cephalopodames AU](http://www.tumblr.com/tagged/cephalopodames). :)E

It’s kind of amazing, really, how much space Rose takes up when she sleeps. The tentacles took some getting used to, especially since they would curl around his legs and waist and wow wasn’t that the most bizarre feeling. But maybe he shouldn’t talk because he doesn’t so much as “spoon” her as “cling to her like she were his lifeblood”.

She’s slow to wake; her eyes flutter only halfway open and she sighs. Even if John has his eyes closed, he can feel her watching. And waiting. “John, I’m more than certain that we have met our daily recommended intake of morning cuddles. It’s probably safe to let me go.”

“Awww. _Fiiiine_.” John punctuates this with a kiss. “So… you’re saying that I should…”

“John.”

“ _release the Kraken_?”


	7. I'm so sorry it's truth or dare fic

ok sweetheart, truth or dare?

John, you can’t be serious.

look at my face. this is the very pinnacle of seriousness. in fact, i would go so far as to say that if you do not select one or another, then houston, we may just have a problem.

Oh, well then, if things are dire as all that, I sup _pose_  I will have to think very carefully on this and act accordingly.

i’m glad you realize the severity of the situation, rose. again: truth or dare?

I would probably be more inclined towards dare were you of a less trickstery nature… so perhaps it would be prudent to opt for truth this time.

excellent choice!

…John, what are you…

will you marry me?


	8. A Guide to Proper Ablutions

You will need:

One (1) bathtub capable of holding two people

Two (2) rubber octopuses

Shaving cream

Bubbles, preferably scented

Instructions:

Do not fill up the water to the brim. Do not put down any towels yet. Your ablution buddy will insist upon cannonballing into the bathtub, even when you tell him that is a good way to injure himself. He will get bruises in weird places.

Now put down some towels. Let the tub refill, and add so many bubbles that the bubble to water ratio is something like 3:1. It will be like a winter wonderland, except instead of cold and miserable, it will be warm and bubbly.

Ignore your age. Let the rubber octopuses loose in between your tangled legs. Now unless something is done, they will drag you down the drain into a Lovecraftian  (for they are wily and have ways). Naturally your only course for defense is to use windy powers to create a small whirlpool, and throw them about the bathtub. Create a tidal wave to knock them out. Lose half the water. Run the shower instead of the faucet because it feels nice. Let half the bubbles dissolve.

Ask your ablution buddy what is wrong with this picture. Be sneaky about how you handle that Barbasol. He will not expect the onslaught of white foam and he will scream.

Tell him  _welcome to bath time, motherfucker_. He will grab another can of Barbasol and retaliate in kind. Try to pin each other in the water, but you can’t because it’s water and you keep slipping and laughing. You will both be covered in shaving cream (be nice and clean). It will float off your bodies in little white wafts.

Turn the shower off because the water is almost to the edge of the tub. Tell him he looks ridiculous (he’ll say  _yeah because you are a vision of dignity right now_ , _too_ ). Consider telling him that ridiculous is not a bad look on him, but show him instead.

He will make weird noises when you run your fingers over those bruises, and honestly it will just encourage you.


	9. It's hard not to make an aces pun

“What are you reading?”

“19th century criticism of what was then considered new mathematics.”

“The spine says it’s Alice in Wonderland.”

“Same difference.”

“Ha.” A pause. “So I like you. Like a lot.”

One quirk of the eyebrow. “I’m aware. I like you a lot, too.”

“I’m basically falling down all this like.”

“The after-school specials warned you?”

“They told me, dog.” Sigh. “Why do we still use that meme?”

“Honestly, no idea. Were you going somewhere with this?”

A nod, but no direct eye contact. “I like kissing you and stuff.”

“This is going someplace interesting.”

“Shush, I am baring my soul. Kind of. Just shush for a sec. I said I like kissing you and hugging you and holding your hand. It’s nice.”

“…Shall I remain shushed?”

Eyebrows arched upwards, something that looks like nervousness. “Do you want to have sex with me?”

“…”

“…”

“I…” Blink because seriously,  _what_? ”John, if you’re asking, there are far better ways you could have gone about it.”

“No, I’m not.” Exhale slowly, 1 2 3 4. “It’s just… that. I don’t want to.”

“How do you mean that, exactly?”

“That.” Full-on eye contact. “I don’t want to.”

“…Oh.”

Heavy pause.

“As long as we’re having this conversation, then yes. There is a part of me that would like to, perhaps, pap your posterior. Among other things.”

Some kind of cross between a snort and a laugh. “Oh my God, Rose!”

“But it is a small part, and not that difficult to ignore, really.”

“Oh. OK.” A pause. “Why are you reading Alice in Wonderland anyways?”

“Writing crossover fanfiction with HP Lovecraft.”

“Shoulda guessed.”


	10. Motives are everything

He asks her if she wants to go out, and the first thing she asks is why.

He doesn’t know exactly what to say to that except, “Uh. Sorry, what?”

She says that motives are everything. “I would like to say yes, John. I wouldn’t like to ruin a perfectly good friendship because of one hastily made chart. I value you and your company too much for that.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

She watches him as he muses over his answer for a moment. He doesn’t usually think too much about what he says. Most of the time, it just comes out on its own. She appreciates the care.

He says he thinks she’s smart and pretty and funny, and he really likes talking to her. She can be really fun to be around, he thinks. He likes her. A lot. That is why he is asking her out on a date. (The implications here being: he has a crush, he would like to hold her hand, smooch her face, go out and do things, stay in and do things, perhaps spend a good part of eternity with her. Also, maybe in time, butt touches. All that jazz.)

He laughs and scratches at the back of his neck and clears his throat. The silence starts to drag.

She slides her hand over his.


	11. Love Boogers

**Barely Coherent Things The Seer Said**

“You should leabe. This ‘s nob an ideal ebening for you to be anywhere near be. Sabe yourself, I _-_ ” _she sounds like she’s going to cough up her entire digestive system_ \- “I will be fime.”

“Johb, I appreciate the senniment, but I hab a temperature of near 100 and your body heat is not helping. At all.”

“I do not actually wish to die, so no. I won’t.”

**Ridiculous Things The Heir Said**

“Rose, I have chocolate, I have a ridiculously large plush animal, and I have so many wizard movies… wow you look absolutely shitty.”

“Don’t be silly. I will stay by your bedside until you recover. Or until 10 o’clock, whichever comes first.”

“You’re not actually going to drink that, are you?”

**Even Less Coherent Things The Mother Said**

“Oh Rose. Roose, Rose, Rsoe. Rose.” A long-suffering, motherly sigh. “Rose.” A pause. “I made you a hot teddy. A toddy, hot toddy.”

“Look at you two. You are like a couple of… a couple ‘a… like… _siiiivvler an’ gooold_ ~…”

**Gushy Linear Things They Both Said**

“Rose, are you asleep?”

“More in that odd state between full consciousness and the initial stages of REM sleep. For our purposes, no. I am awake.”

“OK.” A nervous beat. “Are you cold now? You’re shivering.”

“I’m… Johb, you shouldn’ do that. It’s a very good way to get yourself ill.”

“Um, please. The power of love can ward off your nasty flu. Believe, Rose. _Believe_.”

A perfectly timed sneeze attack.

“Oh gross you got boogers all over my arm.”

“Love boogers.”


	12. Shining, shimmering, splendid

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly this is 40000% with [this audio](http://threeley.tumblr.com/post/16397819819/ectobiologist-eb-started-pestering).

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] started pestering tentacleTherapist at 23:39 [TT] --  
  
EB: rose.  
EB: hey rose.  
TT: Congratulations, you have a firm grasp on my first name. Now, may I ask, what is it?  
EB: look out your window. :D  
  
Rose turned from her computer to face the window and that certainly appeared to be John floating on an ornate carpet. At least he hadn’t fashioned a t-shirt into a turban.  
  
TT: John.  
TT: John, no.  
EB: congrats! you also have a firm grasp on my first name.  
EB: and yes.  
EB: ohohoho yes.  
  
Rose sighed and looked back out the window. John waved enthusiastically.  
  
TT: I suppose I can accompany you on one magic carpet ride.  
  
==>  
  
Rose had done her share of stargazing before, but something about the stars seemed different tonight. They shone just a little brighter, kind of danced in between the hazy clouds. It was nice. 

“Do you see that cluster right over there?”

“Yeah?” John leaned into Rose to see exactly where she was pointing.

“That’s Pleiades. At least, I’m reasonably certain it’s Pleiades.” Rose smiled, glancing at John.

“Oh cool.”

John made no motion that indicated he intended to give Rose her bubble space back. In turn, Rose gingerly put her arm around John, resting her hand on his hip.

John laughed nervously. “Hehe, um, wow, Rose! We’re like, half-married now!” The color went straight up to his ears.

“I apologize, I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.” Rose started to withdraw her hand, but John grabbed it back.

“Wait no, I wasn’t. I was just joking. You can… do that. I mean, if you want to.” John let go of her hand and scooted in closer, wrapping a tense arm around Rose’s shoulders.

“Oh.” Rose returned her hand to its previous position.

So much silence.

“We should…” John seemed to second-guess himself and stopped. “Nevermind, it’s dumb.”

Rose gave him an exasperated look.

“Heheh. Uh.” John fiddled with his glasses with his free hand. “I was gonna say we should do this sort of thing… more often. Like as a datey thing. Y’know?”

Rose rolled her eyes and smiled. “John. I think we’re already doing a datey thing.”


	13. There wasn't writing on the wall, there wasn't anything at all

When you tell her you love her, it will be huge. There will be fireworks and fireflies and flowers in her hair… and probably yours as well. Music will play so loud everybody and their aunt will know that JOHN EGBERT LOVES ROSE LALONDE!

It will be better than the movies, you are sure.

The next day you see her, it rains so hard that you can barely see ten feet in front of you. Mutini eats the flowers you brought and the closest thing you’re getting to fireflies and fireworks is the nigh constant lightning flashing outside the windows.

Instead you, Rose, and her mother camp out on the couch and watch Harry Potter movies until everything in the house suddenly goes dark, and Ms. Lalonde falls into inebriated slumber. Rose covers her mother up with a blanket and gives you a look:  _I’m so sorry that she is like this._

She starts a fire and you try to get the radio to tune in for some kind of weather report. You get a lot of static and eventually give up. You think you get the point across anyway. Don’t go outside if you intend to live.

Instead you pull out the flashlights and go up to her room to play Boggle, and the moment you spot “ _you_ ” in there, an insidious plan forms in your mind.

She always wins. She has a list of at least fifty words; you have somewhere around twenty.

_I._

She rolls her eyes and says one-word letters don’t count. You grin and say you know that.

_Love_.

Now she knows something’s up because “v” isn’t one of the letters at all. She arches an eyebrow and there’s your cue.

_You_.

There are no trumpets, no fireworks, nothing grand at all. But she smiles and takes your hand and whispers like this:

_I know. I love you, too._

And that’s all the fanfare you need.


	14. Here's how you'll break up

Here’s how you’ll break up.

You won’t understand that sometimes she needs to write some dark wizard slash, and she won’t understand that you aren’t trying to change her. It will turn into something much,  _much_  bigger than that; it will turn into how you’re trying to achieve the perfect movie romance and  _they don’t exist, John_ , and she’s so jaded that she can never just appreciate anything people do for her, and everything will be just

so

_wrong_

(You thought that she liked all the cheesy little things you do that people only do in story books, and she has never been one to just come out and say what she means.)

Her eyes (so violet, that’s something you only see once in a blue moon if you’re very blessed) will say everything.

Here’s how you’ll start to fix it.

You’ll stand outside and throw pebbles at her window and you’ll know this is exactly the kind of behavior that got you into this situation in the first place but it’s not exactly like her door is wide open.

She’ll open her window and look at you like  _what could you possibly have to say_. And the funny part is, you won’t know. So you’ll just tell her  _hi_  and could you please just talk.

And after a minute, the door will open.


	15. On the off chance you actually get this

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wrote this before A6I1.

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] started pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] --

EB: testing, testing, can you read me?   
EB: rose are you there?   
EB: yeah jade said this probably wouldn’t work. oh well, it was worth a try.   
EB: i told you in the letter already, but i’m really glad you’re alright! i don’t know how the rest of us could manage without you.   
EB: um. yeah.   
EB: and uh about karkat’s whole shipping chart thing, i really didn’t mean for that to make things weird, so… yeah. we’ll always be awesome friends, and that’s rad.   
EB: gosh it is really hard to keep a conversation going when you’re the only one that’s talking! heh.   
EB: …   
EB: i guess i only have one more thing to say for now.   
EB: on the off chance you actually get this…   
EB: i really can’t wait to see you again.

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] started pestering ectoBiologist [EB] --

TT: As far as irrational actions go, this isn’t the worst on my part. Everybody is aware of that.   
TT: I think I’m permitted this sort of irrationality, though I know the chances of getting a response are less than likely.    
TT: A person gets accustomed to having another’s presence, if only virtual, appear with some regularity, and it can be somewhat difficult to adjust when that presence is suddenly gone.   
TT: Or, in not so many words, I miss you.   
TT: But it is probably for the best that you and Jade and whoever else might be with you are at your present location.   
TT: I’m afraid that we are considerably more in danger than you and your crew at the moment with Jack Noir in pursuit, but with any luck - or the right kind - we should reunite with you in time.   
TT: I look forward to it.

You expected something big and dramatic to happen when you see her again. But when it happens, your vision gets a little blurry and your knees get a little wobbly and she just takes your hand, but that’s not good enough because last time you saw her proper you both died so you have to lean down a little and hold her, and she wraps her arms around your neck. Good, this is good.

You think you feel Dave and Jade turning this into a group hug and that’s even better.


	16. Oh noooo

Hello Rose, this is John  
Would you like to take a chance on  
This thing we share, I’m so prepared  
To spend the rest of my life like

I’ll get down on one knee  
And summon all the bravery  
I have and just say,  
“Rose Lalonde, will you marry me?”

If we were schoolgirls with Dave and Jade*  
If we were born in a different decade*  
It wouldn’t matter, cuz I’ve fallen down these stairs  
And headfirst into love with you

How do I get through one night  
One day, one whole afternoon without you  
I’ll drop by your planet sometime  
And we can catch each other in swoons 

Then I’ll get down on one knee  
And summon all the bravery  
I have and just shout for everyone to hear,  
“Rose Lalonde, will you marry me?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is still stupid
> 
> *rhyming is hard


	17. Pussycat, pussycat, you’re so thrilling, and I’m so willing to care for you

“Hey Rose, I think there’s something under your hood.”

“Very astute, John. You see, hoods are usually made for covering the body part known as ‘the head’. I absolutely recommend keeping one about you at all times.”

“Haha, no I mean…” John pulled Rose’s hood back and oh wow. “Ohh.”

Rose rolled her eyes. “I believe now would be the appropriate time to explain the shell-shocked expression on your face.”

John opened his mouth and closed his mouth a couple of times, not quite sure how to break the news. “You know how Jade has dog ears now? Well…” He tapped his fingers together. “You  _kind of_  have the same thing going on, except like a cat.”

“Are you saying I have cat ears?”

“Basically, yes.” He tried to beat down the odd compulsion to rub at them because they just looked so soft and  _foofy_.

Rose reached up and felt them. “Well, that’s… I’m not sure what to say about that.”

A wide grin, too wide to be anything good, spread across John’s face. “I think I know what to say to that.” He scratched her ear, just as a joke.

“Dare I ask?”

“ _What’s new, pussycat, whoawhoawhooooawhoaaaaa…_ ”


	18. John: Wake up already.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the one with the character death.

**John: Wake up already.**

mmmhhh.

**Waking up after your second death is a slightly more painful process than one would think, but considerably less painful than being stabbed twice through the heart. It is like being shocked from the inside out.**

what…

**Gather your bearings. Breathe in. Breathe out. Think you can handle that?**

**Remember what happened. Remember how your dad and Rose’s mom looked so, so broken. Remember how every part of you wanted to cry, to scream, to fight.**

**And then you died with Rose’s screams in your ears.**

**Speaking of.**

oh my god.

nononono _rose_! rose, you can’t…

**Weren’t you supposed to save her from her grimdark ways?**

i’ll just… i’ll just try to stop the bleeding. and then you’ll be fine! you’ll be just fine.

_damn it damn it damn it stop bleeding._

rose.

**You kind of just want to keep saying her name, because then maybe… maybe something magical and wonderful will happen and she’ll hear you!**

rose.

**And then she’ll…**

rose, come on…

 

**Weren’t you supposed to marry her?**

please wake up.


	19. Every little thing she does is magic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt:   
> In an attempt to ~reach out~ and better involve herself in her dear boyfriend’s life, Rose takes up one of John’s interests (maybe SLIGHTLY in the name of surprising or even impressing him? juuuuust slightly…). Maybe she delves deep into the very most father/child relationship-y and things exploding for no adequately explained reason-y 1990s blockbusters! Maybe she codes a short program or builds a web site from scratch! Maybe she learns a few magic tricks or a tune or two on the piano! It is up to you, writer.

You are ROSE LALONDE and though you are quite decidedly a magical person, you are not a magician. JOHN EGBERT, however, is both a magical person and a magician, or at least he tries to be. On any given day, you would most likely be content to leave the smoke and mirror antics to him. However, when he makes claims that he can toootally figure out any magic trick (his amateur status notwithstanding), you can't help but take that as something of a challenge.

This is how you found yourself in a box, trying to disappear yourself. Which... is a lot more difficult than you originally anticipated. Apparently there's a reason magicians have assistants for large-scale illusions.

Hmmm.

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] at 13:42 --

TT: I've recently come to terms that if I'm going to create the illusion that I have disappeared in any sort of believable capacity, I'm going to require some assistance.  
TT: Are you interested?  
GG: :O

==>

However much you’re willing to cheat, you are still honest enough to keep Jade from disappearing you entirely from the box you’ve constructed. You’ve even taught yourself some legitimate tricks that are quite possible to do without the assistance of real magic.

Also, you’ve invested in a top hat (read: alchemized a full three-piece suit. Top hat included.). If you’re going to do this, it will be done in traditional Lalonde fashion. Usually traditional Lalonde fashion doesn't require asking one of your best friends to shrink herself down and hide behind a wizard statue, but there's a first time for everything.

You greet John at the door with a shower of flower petals from the sky. He looks upwards, and when he doesn't see a bucket of any sort, says, "Huh."

"Hello to you, too."

"Pfft. So where's the bucket?"

"Why does there need to be a bucket? Isn't it possible that I conjured those flower petals out of thin air and charmed them to greet you upon your arrival?"

"...Yeah bullshit. You tossed your wands ages ago, so obviously you did it the old-fashioned way with smoke and mirrors. Or... buckets and mirrors. Or just buckets. I don't know. You tell me."

"I thought magicians were supposed to keep their secrets." You take John's hand and lead him to the living room.

"Secrets don't make friends, Rose. You know what they make?"

"Please tell, I absolutely must know."

"They make secrets."

"Wow. That's really deep."

"I know." John flops on the couch and pulls you down with him. "So was that your big trick? Dropping flower petals on me? Gotta tell ya, I'm a little disappointed."

"John, please."

>Rose: DAPPER SUIT REVEAL

John’s mouth went slightly agape as your bathrobe billows out and hits the ground.

You wink. “I’ve only just begun.” You flashstep to the vacuum cleaner to reclaim your top hat and, before putting it on, pull out a MAGIC WAND from THIN AIR. (John rolls his eyes.)

“My, I would almost think you aren’t dazzled by my illusions.”

“Oh man, no, I’m hells of impressed by how you took off your bathrobe and pulled a stick from a hat. That’s like, super dazzling. I’m dazzled by you.”

“Then I’m sure you will find this specially-made wooden box just as dazzling.” You wheel out the box and open it up. “What if I were to tell you that with a mere incantation and a wave of my wand, I can make myself disappear?”

“What are you going to do, step inside the box and behind the obviously false back? Rose, I was not born yesterday. I was born a few years ago.” John snickers at his joke.

“Your accusation may have more weight... if this had a false back.” You gesture towards your box. “Go on. Examine it.”

>John: Examine the box.

You are now JOHN EGBERT, and you are going to sniff out this box’s darkest secrets. Or rather, you’re going to tap the Ghostbusters theme all the heck over the back, listening for any signs of hollowness. But the only hollow thing here seems to be your attempts. Damn.

“Are you satisfied yet?” Rose leans against the box and smiles.

“I... guess...” You sigh. Well, this should at least be interesting. You drop back down on the couch and keep your eyes on the box. Traditional methods aside, Rose is very tricky and needs to be watched when it comes to these matters.

Rose waves her wand over the box and taps each side while muttering something that sounds like the language of the horrorterrors. (It sounds like she needs someone to perform the Heimlich maneuver, to be perfectly honest.) With that, she steps inside and closes the box.

“John, I need you to do something now.”

“Yeah?”

“Open the box.” She sounds farther away. Holy hell, did she actually do it?

You look around the room for any traces that she left behind, but everything in the room has been left untouched. Hmmm. You open the box and...

“God DAMN IT Rose!”

A ragged stuffed bunny sits in Rose’s place. You are so fucking done with this shit. You knock the box over (it narrowly misses a priceless marbled wizard) and the bunny falls to the floor. “That’s really funny! Where are you?”

You whirl around the room, expecting Rose to sneak in through one of the doors, when suddenly you feel familiar arms drape around your neck.

“Put. The bunny. Back in the box.”

You spin around, already ranting in your head, when Rose preemptively shuts you up. You mumble against her lips about how she’s evil, she’s so evil, and her hands slide from your shoulders to your waist, finally settling somewhere below.

You break apart when a bucket of water drops on both your heads.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I reFUSE to format a three-line pesterlog. I REFUSE.


End file.
